There’s a tired catchphrase often blared by certain ignoramuses as proof of vegans being severely unacceptable in the blustering meat eaters’ world of fragile contentment, and it goes like this:
“How do you know if someone’s vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you. Always.”
Funny, right? ……Meh.
In my experience with those supposed self-righteous vegan announcements, in everyday life (not on the web) I only bring up my vegan lifestyle to acquaintances I’m worried about being offered food by, either as a guest in their home or as holiday gifts and such. This is my being polite actually, because I often will get animal products offered if I don’t ward that situation off beforehand, and then things become needlessly awkward. Most people respect my telling them and are careful to only offer non-animal foods, gifts, whatever. Some are even interested in being vegan. Imagine that.
But then there’s the other end of the spectrum…ew
Here we have the obnoxious blowhard (not all that uncommon) who becomes obsessed with pushing animal products on you the minute you divulge your vegan-ness to them. They’ll give you a leather wallet at gift time, or talk about meat whenever you’re within earshot. Suddenly the most scintillating topics are what carcass parts they’re cooking for dinner, what bloody chunks are simmering away in the crock pot at home, the cheese & egg dish they devoured for brunch, the price of lamb chops, the new steak house in town, and blah blah blah. I’ve seen this several times. It’s bizarre.
They also become obsessed with “forgetting” you’re vegan and offering you a taste of their sausage or some nauseating congealed meat product they happen to have on hand whenever you’re around.
One neighbor back in the 1980s brought a hunk of pot roast to my door the day after my dad told her I was vegan. I told her the dogs would love it, thanks, and she looked disappointed. What a sicko. Hah, as a side note, this same “lady” had a dispute with her next-door neighbor and subsequently greased the stairs just for her, and the neighbor actually slipped and tumbled down the steps, got all banged up. She told me the crazy meat lady peaked out her door and let out an evil laugh as the poor lady struggled to get up, stunned. Meat lady later mopped down the stairs with detergent to remove the evidence. So I wasn’t the only one to enjoy her demented attentions.
Another choice gem from society’s meat people:
The old, “Oh, I forgot, you’re a VEE-gun! I just don’t see how you can not eat meat…it’s delicious! And you need the protein! Ooh, here’s a good one I heard: PETA stands for People Eating Tasty Animals …Get it? Har har har, snort, haw haww, honk! …Wow you vegans need to get a sense a humor!”
You remain stoic in the face of such blazing assholery; you breathe deeply, count to ten, and plan to head in the opposite direction or duck into a nearby cubbyhole whenever you spot this person in the vicinity in the future, or to simply pass by them in silence without acknowledging them; this is where a cellphone comes in ever so handy. Thank goodness for cellphones!
But if it’s impossible to avoid this person, you vow to talk to him/her only about farm abuses and animal slaughter, and how great it feels to be vegan. If that doesn’t thoroughly repel them forever and ever, you will simply repeat the same points over and over again, as if on autoplay. This can result in bitter arguments beginning with their accusing you of being a pushy self-righteous despised weirdo or some such Rogan-esque trash talk. (But so amusing…these people are really witty!) At some point, if the gods are smiling upon you, you’ll have achieved having this rude slob as an enemy who will obsessively avoid you and never, ever speak to you again.
But still, gosh, what a shame. After all, people say there’s good in everyone… 😏
So you see, the real riddle should go:
“How do you know someone’s a meat-eating obnoxious butt-hole? Don’t worry. They’ll show you. Always.”