How Women and Their Status Shoes Suck

I find women’s shoes, women’s magazines, women’s talk shows—women’s stuff in general—intolerable. But women’s status shoes hold an especially lowly and cringey place in my heart.

The whole stripper bit…

We all know about the strutting female “peacock” thing, how instead of merely walking, the woman in freaky high heels or platforms is parading, on the stroll for a “good time,” all that goofy nonsense. Arched back, slightly bent knees, butt beckoning, the I’m-so-sexy-it-hurts gait, haughty face, all that. She’s showing how proudly female she is, a tough girl who can not only wear those crazy shoes but enjoy it, be highly skilled at it, even dance sinuously, wildly. Ain’t she somethin’?

The female who can not only walk or even trot in outlandishly uncomfortable and painful shoes is considered the absolute finest in female-dom. The pride one feels at accomplishing agility while the feet are arched outrageously and one is walking on one’s severely pinched toes…well, what a heady accomplishment that is for a girl! Could a man ask for anything more statusy? She’s hot stuff, make no mistake, a wild thing in bed. A Queen Bee. Gals don’t get no better than that! A real catch for some wealthy, cool, good-looking man with a “nice” car.

No old lady shoes!

Sensible, comfortable shoes suck, say those high-status gals who also don $1000 handbags. Unless shoes are for working out in at the gym or running the streets in preparation for donning those spiky stilettos come display time, a girl’s shoes need to be showy and tall. Even very big girls wear spiky 6-inch heels, that’s just how important that stiletto is, to show off one’s serious intent to be sexy.

Sensible dress or casual shoes are for OLD LADIES, and no one wants to be an old lady! Ew, gross. Even old ladies wear the tall shoes to prove they still got it. Having IT is what life’s all about. If you don’t got IT, just KYS, old unsexy hag!

So, Oprah and company (The Real and The View crews, etc.), keep on wearing those $3000 red-bottomed spikes, you empowered sexy gals know what life’s all about. You’ve taken life by the balls and owned it! You highly admirable fashionistas, you! I’m in awe. Of your foolishness.

It’s been a long time since I was dopey enough to wear any of that ridiculous footwear women so proudly suffer. No, no thanks, I’ll stick with comfortable, sensible, sturdy, supportive shoes so I can run and climb and kick butt, etc., while staying flight-ready throughout. Yeah, I’m an old lady and proud of surviving my not-so-easy life. No young doofus will ever make me ashamed of whatever age I am.

I’m ready for flight!

About the most unsensible shoes you’ll catch me in are flip flops in the summertime or for around the house (and slippers). But comfy ones with nonslip bottoms. See, I’m ready for WW3 and nukes, earthquakes, a terrorist attack, running off and hiding in the woods while being rounded up for a FEMA camp for refusing vaccines—all the myriad of wonderful possible events of today.

So, teeter about trying to look sexy while breaking your ankles and foot bones in the event of a tornado, a tsunami or whatever and I’ll be there—cringing and shaking my head, old-lady style—to grab your arm, rip those bizarre, crippling things off your feet and toss them into a ditch or something and get some sense into you and some comfortable sturdy (and of course VEGAN) shoes on those gnarly feet of yours, you nincompoop female.